Four

That appears to be the magic number for me at Death Ride. Yes, I rode 4 passes for the second year in a row. Which bring to a place of questioning and processing?

Have I been chasing an unattainable goal…for me? Slow doesn’t get you up the fifth pass. All my will and determination means nothing to a time cut off.

The natural response would be to go after it again. However, I knew going into this season it would be a bigger challenge with my new work schedule and exceeding limited time. I couldn’t train to the level I was accustomed to in my past DR season. And it was apparent…I didn’t feel as physically strong as I did last year. However, mentally this season I hit a new “don’t quit” attitude in spite of my body wanting to at times. All I saw was 5, from my first pedal stroke.

This was my most stressful TNT training season ever. I felt the entire time; I was failing in all areas of my life to attain this uncertain goal. Wanting redemption for a previous failed attempt based on a split second decision that I will never regret. I knew I had it last year the truly thought it was mine this year. I truly never doubted it until I hit the top of the 4th pass and realized the time.

What happened? Why didn’t I make it? Not completely sure since I rode alone (without teammates) 90% of the ride. So this is the basic overview.

I thought I was riding smart. Riding slow and steady, limiting my time at SAG and staying focused. I reached the top of the first pass with my teammate Vivek…feeling good and still at the head of my team. I left the back of Monitor with only a very brief water refill and photo op, still surprised to have not been passed up by teammates as I rolled up my second climb.

I stayed with the slow and consistent mind set. As I climbed up Monitor the heat began to set in a bit more. Near the top I began to see my teammates appear and zoom by me. I continued to stay within my own ride. I was also starting to feel my stomach churning and my water was getting low. The top became an unscheduled SAG stop for me.

By the time I was climbing Ebbett’s my legs were beginning to remind me that my training wasn’t as good as the pervious season. It was also now going from warm to hot. I had 2 more stops, 1 for more water and one at the lake for a photo and to check in with some teammates that were there.

In Hermit’s Valley (bottom of the fourth climb), I still wasn’t feeling great but wanted to keep moving and get to the top of the climb I most dread. I rode out with my Coach who had caught me by the SAG stop.

As I climbed in the heat of the day, my energy was quickly disappearing and with that my pace became a crawl. I encouraged my Coach to ride on. I stopped twice on the climb due to severe hot foot issues (I now wished I didn’t). I reached the top with my teammate Sam. We quickly discovered they were out of water and we had very little left.

This is when the reality of how much time I wasted on that climb set in…I needed to move and move quickly. I hit the Ebbett’s decent with as much speed as the turns and other riders would let me safely go. The lunch stop waived us off since they were almost out of water and a long line of people were waiting. I was secretly glad because I didn’t want to waste any precious time. My plan was to pedal alone as quickly as my legs could go until Turtle Rock and try to replenish as quick as possible to meet the time cut off.

Speedster Sam caught me on the flat before Markleeville and talked me down from my futile mission. He instilled the fact that if he couldn’t make it neither was I. He was also on a mission to get us water…he was low and I was out. He found some folks packing up that pulled some bottled water out of their motor home to fill our bottles. I can’t thank Sam enough for making me listen. That’s the beauty of being part of a team…we are there for each other.

As I continued to pedal past Markleeville and towards Turtle Rock it hit me…I really wasn’t going to finish the day with 5 stickers. I was feeling very low at this point, I had failed myself. No blame, no excuses, it just wasn’t my day. Just then another friendly voice appeared from behind…my teammate Brian. I was shocked he was behind me, but he wasn’t feeling well and it took him out of his normal pace.

We choose to ride together into Turtle Rock knowing our day was done. It was nice to have a friend to talk with and take me out of my head. There was no need for a pity party.

We rolled up to my truck a few minutes after 4:00. Since it was before the TNT tent, I let Brian roll on while I decompressed in my truck with the air conditioning on full. I was too tired to process much other than my day was done too soon.

In hindsight I think there were a few obvious factors to my time failure. My speed…I have none. Having G.I. issues most of the ride added a couple unscheduled stops. My fear of cramping caused me to overfill myself with water and electrolytes. I realized I barely ate because I was so bloated…hence the loss of speed and momentum on the fourth climb. Such a rookie mistake!

I have a bit of disappointment but no regrets. I rode 4 passes and my will continued to be strong in spite of my body. I was able to be at the finish line and cheer in every one of my teammates as they finished. I was part of an amazing team and had a successful training season. And most of all…as a team we made a difference. As a team we raised $120,000 towards finding a cure…amazing!

I don’t feel the need for redemption this time. I knew I gave everything I had in the moment. I have also known I’m not a naturally talented cyclist. So just being able to train and ride with these exceptional groups of people, for not one but two years was an honor.

I don’t know what my future will be with Death Ride. I know my journey will continue in cycling. However, I did learn something important this season…that I need to find some balance in other areas of my life. It’s time for me to enjoy a little more and suffer a little less.

Thank you to everyone who supported me though this 2012 Death Ride season!

Epic Fail

This was a morning I was dreading. The Livermore ride that would take us 107 miles and have us climbing over 11,000'! I experienced and conquered this ride last year, so I mostly knew what I was in for in the many grueling miles ahead.

Part of my apprehension with this ride, was missing the previous week's ride. It wasn't an easy decision but I needed the extra time to properly set up and pull off my fundraising event in SF. Part of our commitment on this team is to raise funds for blood cancers. So this was one of the week's I had to pull my efforts in another direction.

I was left to rely on my mid week efforts and the 102 GPC miles I have ridden 2 weeks previously. We had a 7:00 roll time and a beautiful morning that was quickly warming up. I was feeling surprisingly good the first 40 miles of the ride. Then came the big game-changer...the heat!

Once we started up the back side of Mt. Hamilton the heat quickly intensified and any bit of breeze had disappeared. Sucking in hot stale air with every agonizing pedal stoke up this unforgiving mountain! Let the self-talking begin to get me through this.

I soon found all the electrolyte tablets, water, and supplements that I had been ingesting were not enough to keep my right foot/calf from beginning to tighten and cramp. I pedaled through it, until I saw the oasis of one shade tree,I took the opportunity to chug water and take some more electrolytes. Then off I went again to tackle more of this mountain!

I continued for awhile and noticed the tightening was now moving up my entire right side. Let the cramping begin! Foot, calf, thigh, hip, side and parts I did not relize that could cramp!!!It was brutal and unrelenting, also creating the joy of nausea. I was one leg pedaling on my left to just keep moving forward. My coach was up around the corner and witnessed my grimace, gasps and struggling stride...she knew I was in trouble. I could barely breathe or speak through the contracting muscles. At this point I was down to almost no water with a couple more miles to go. She made the desicion that I was not willing to...and called for a SAG car. I quietly stood alone in the frustration and embarrassment of failure. Adding to that were the tears wellin up in my eyes. Really!It was ironic that I had enough fluid in me to create tears but not enough for my muscles/body to carry me 2 more miles up the damn hill!!!

Willie and I got loaded in the SAG car, with the plan to head the top and continue. It would give me the opportunity to calm the cramping the fuel my body back up to ride. Giving up was not in me at this point! As we drove, the roads looked like a battle zone of cyclists stopped and struggling with the heat and relentless climb.

On the drive up the hill the worst and most intense cramping began to occur...holy @#%$! It sounded like I was giving birth in the car...haha! So sorry Kurt! Once I could straighten my legs and walk again (and to just to get out of the car),I was determined I would ride again. After ample hydration at the SAG stop, I hopped back on Willie and carefully rode up to Observatory to see if my legs were willing to continue. I made it up...so I was hopeful!

With more hydration and some intense negotiation with my body...I was ready to ride again:-) The next 30 miles would be much kinder and I felt I could get through it...and did:-) Then I rolled up upon hell...aka, Sierra Rd.! This was a 4 mile sustained wall-type climb with no breaks! Did I mention that it was HOT!?! Upper 80's but off the treeless pavement it was registering over 100 (my Garmin has documentation). Holy hill this was going to hurt!

About 2 miles in, I began sensing the breach of contract with my body. It was pissed and was beginning to make it very clear! At this point I'd swallowed handfuls of electrolyte capsules; making me wonder "how many of these could I ingest before it kills me"? Just then, Rocket (one of the awesome guess coaches) had ridden up to check on me and coach me through the climb. Just short of the top my body decided enough was enough! If I wasn't going to stop...it was stopping me and successfully did!

My coach made it VERY clear...that I was done for the day! My legs were done, my body was done and most of my common sense was gone at that point. I thought I could try and walk up it, but the tremors in my legs wouldn't even let me move, balance or stand between the cramping. My vision was blotchy and it began to sink in that this was truly the end of my day...at mile 72:-(

Now my role shifted to be the cheerleader and help the rest of my team make it throught their ride. I was proud of everyone of them! They dug deep and pushed on through their discomfort to finish a very tough day.

The realization of far I violated my body, truly didn't become clear until the days that followed. The exursion and dehydration had my body refusing food, feeling overall fatigue and making my muscles continue to twitch and tremble. I continued to guzzle water and electrolytes but its taken more days than I expected to balance out from the epic discomfort of pushing myself to the wall...literally.

I now look to the next ride with more trepidation than the last. My courage will end if I let fear begin...and I cannot allow that to creep into my training! All I can do is my best each week...and keep moving forward.

Finding My Balance

Last weekend I added 102 more miles to my training bank by completing the Grizzly Peak Century! It was hot, the hills were mighty and the miles were long but I felt very accomplished when I rolled back into Campolindo High School. It was a long day on the bike. The heat added to my discomfort, which brought nausea, hot foot issues and cramping...it slowed my pace but didn't dampen my spirit to get it done.

The experience made me question and assess my training. Was it the heat? Was it riding my first century in 6 months or both that made it such a tough day? My gut is telling me that I could have put in more training time. Then again, I say that to myself every season. This time I know its accurate. I want to train more but when? My life is a complex juggling act this year.

The balance of trying to fit it all in...working full time, an unpredictable commute, fundraising, cycling, my horse...blah, blah, blah. I know my situation isn't unique. I've become a ghost to my friends and family. My horse barely sees me and my cat gets momentary attention during my comings and goings. My social interactions consists of seeing my team on Saturday's, my work mates at the office and strangers on the train. Its what I need to do for now.

The trainings are getting longer and more intense, and I'm finding I'm sleeping less instead of more. It tough to fit everything into a week. This has turned me into a bit of a zombie. I'm not mad, sad or grumpy...just exhausted and trying to stay present through each day. I'm finding tiredness becomes idiocy. At times its been very entertaining for my co-workers.

My worry is the intensity of the next 6 weeks. Work and cycle training are both gearing up at the same time! It going to take all my focus and my best time management skills to get me though it. I don't want to let my co-workers, teammates or myself down in the process. To make it all work I'm playing with a delicate house of cards right now. Fingers crossed...that my body, mind and spirit stay healthy and balanced.

I find my time on the bike is like therapy. Somehow out on the roads I can relax and everything makes sense. Every time I clip in, my friends, teammates and the beautiful Northern California scenery keep it a fun adventure. I'm letting go of any ego in regards to my cycling skills. I do "Know Why" I'm doing this...its for myself and for helping to find a cure. This difficult process has a finish line for me. I'm hoping my sacrifices and efforts have a positive outcome for those with cancer.

As I look ahead, I just need to take it one week, one day and one hill at a time. Be patient with me as I try my best to make it all balance.

Larkspur Loop on March 5th

This was my first visit to Alpine Dam and up Mt. Tamalpias in Marin County. What an adventure and a great way to spend my birthday. Shhh…yes, it was my actual birthday. It was a team buddy ride weekend. My gift from the team was pain, suffering and harassment but still a beautiful day and adventure.



The weather was perfection, in the 60’s with no wind or rain. I was having a good ride tackling the first climbs up to the dam. However, on the decent I discovered that I had a screw loose (insert joke here)…haha! My back water bottle & cage was coming loose, it was crooked and interfering. This caused me to slow, and ride down into Alpine Dam holding a water bottle in my hand…not fun!



Thank you to my teammates Jon& Jim for re-configuring the cage with the one screw I had left. This comprised the cage and it really couldn’t hold any weight without creating problems. So I was down to one fill-able water bottle for the remainder of the ride.



The rest of the ride up Mt. Tam was a tough one over the Seven Sisters and especially into the visitor center parking lot. There, I popped a small wheelie…not my intent! It was a very steep grade and my lighter bike and lack of proper position created the OMG moment…yikes! I don’t recommend this on a road bike:) Obviously, I still have A LOT to learn. But mission accomplished…I rode all the way to the top of Mt. Tam!!!



The view from the top of Mt. Tam was truly a breath-taking gift...so far, the best I've seen in the Bay Area. It was a spectacular day to spend with friends old & new as I tackled another great ride! Having it be on my birthday made it that much more memorable:)

New Wheels & New Adventures

Last week a big change happened in my cycling...I got a new bike, "Willie"! My friends at Pegasus Bicycle Works built him for me in time to start my Death Ride training. Its a beautiful Wilier with Campy components designed to get me up those grueling climbs.

Saturday was his maiden voyage with the team. This was the bikes true test, since I had only ridden him a couple times before this ride. On the first hill climb the lower gearing and pushing 7 less pounds of bike weight was very apparent. It was amazing at the ease of which this bike glided up the hills!



However, my new toy does take some getting use to...throughout the day I found myself struggling with new clips and cleats set-up. The rhythm of my stops & starts are not as smooth as they used to be...it frustrates me a little. The lighter weight bike going downhill also feels strange.

Overall I was having a great ride with the bike until our route briefly popped us onto a bike path. This is where my day got interesting. As I was coasting along, another little pink cyclist with training wheels on took an abrupt left turn into my front wheel...yikes! My options were, abrupt left off the road and down into a rushing creek or emergency break and lay my bike down...oh, shit! Fortunately I was only at a coasting speed and took option # 2. I did everything I could to protect the bike in the process. It appeared other than a bruised ego everything was fine with me and the bike. Oh...and I didn't run over the little girl.

45 minutes later I began to feel the effects of the fall. My neck & shoulders were tightening up and my bike wouldn't shift into the lower gears. After identifying my need for Advil and SAG to adjust my bent derailleur...we headed onto the last part of our ride.

After the unscheduled stop, I was riding with only two people (a friend and a coach) to catch up with the rest of our group. As we were heading up the last climb of the day, I encounter another unexpected visitor...a squirrel! Without warning he jumped off a rock at my front tire! I braced for impact...we all did! Somehow, his massive squirrel body made it pass my front tire (barely) and I ran over his tail...we were all screaming including the squirrel! Holy crap...I ran over a live squirrel!



Somehow, we all survived the encounter without hitting the pavement. OMG...my heart was pounding out of my chest as we didn't break stride in our cadence. I was not about to hit the pavement twice in one day! Since there was no bike lane we had to continue riding to the top of the hill before we could take a second to catch our breath and check our shorts...seriously!

Having this be my first team ride with "Willie", I thought nature and children had it out for me and/or my bike...haha! It was quite the story to tell when we reached the rest of the team. Two first's...going down with my bike and running over a live animal. Trust me...I don't want seconds on either of those activities!

It was an eventful day and one I will not soon forget.

Ride safely and beware of training wheels and squirrels!