Four

That appears to be the magic number for me at Death Ride. Yes, I rode 4 passes for the second year in a row. Which bring to a place of questioning and processing?

Have I been chasing an unattainable goal…for me? Slow doesn’t get you up the fifth pass. All my will and determination means nothing to a time cut off.

The natural response would be to go after it again. However, I knew going into this season it would be a bigger challenge with my new work schedule and exceeding limited time. I couldn’t train to the level I was accustomed to in my past DR season. And it was apparent…I didn’t feel as physically strong as I did last year. However, mentally this season I hit a new “don’t quit” attitude in spite of my body wanting to at times. All I saw was 5, from my first pedal stroke.

This was my most stressful TNT training season ever. I felt the entire time; I was failing in all areas of my life to attain this uncertain goal. Wanting redemption for a previous failed attempt based on a split second decision that I will never regret. I knew I had it last year the truly thought it was mine this year. I truly never doubted it until I hit the top of the 4th pass and realized the time.

What happened? Why didn’t I make it? Not completely sure since I rode alone (without teammates) 90% of the ride. So this is the basic overview.

I thought I was riding smart. Riding slow and steady, limiting my time at SAG and staying focused. I reached the top of the first pass with my teammate Vivek…feeling good and still at the head of my team. I left the back of Monitor with only a very brief water refill and photo op, still surprised to have not been passed up by teammates as I rolled up my second climb.

I stayed with the slow and consistent mind set. As I climbed up Monitor the heat began to set in a bit more. Near the top I began to see my teammates appear and zoom by me. I continued to stay within my own ride. I was also starting to feel my stomach churning and my water was getting low. The top became an unscheduled SAG stop for me.

By the time I was climbing Ebbett’s my legs were beginning to remind me that my training wasn’t as good as the pervious season. It was also now going from warm to hot. I had 2 more stops, 1 for more water and one at the lake for a photo and to check in with some teammates that were there.

In Hermit’s Valley (bottom of the fourth climb), I still wasn’t feeling great but wanted to keep moving and get to the top of the climb I most dread. I rode out with my Coach who had caught me by the SAG stop.

As I climbed in the heat of the day, my energy was quickly disappearing and with that my pace became a crawl. I encouraged my Coach to ride on. I stopped twice on the climb due to severe hot foot issues (I now wished I didn’t). I reached the top with my teammate Sam. We quickly discovered they were out of water and we had very little left.

This is when the reality of how much time I wasted on that climb set in…I needed to move and move quickly. I hit the Ebbett’s decent with as much speed as the turns and other riders would let me safely go. The lunch stop waived us off since they were almost out of water and a long line of people were waiting. I was secretly glad because I didn’t want to waste any precious time. My plan was to pedal alone as quickly as my legs could go until Turtle Rock and try to replenish as quick as possible to meet the time cut off.

Speedster Sam caught me on the flat before Markleeville and talked me down from my futile mission. He instilled the fact that if he couldn’t make it neither was I. He was also on a mission to get us water…he was low and I was out. He found some folks packing up that pulled some bottled water out of their motor home to fill our bottles. I can’t thank Sam enough for making me listen. That’s the beauty of being part of a team…we are there for each other.

As I continued to pedal past Markleeville and towards Turtle Rock it hit me…I really wasn’t going to finish the day with 5 stickers. I was feeling very low at this point, I had failed myself. No blame, no excuses, it just wasn’t my day. Just then another friendly voice appeared from behind…my teammate Brian. I was shocked he was behind me, but he wasn’t feeling well and it took him out of his normal pace.

We choose to ride together into Turtle Rock knowing our day was done. It was nice to have a friend to talk with and take me out of my head. There was no need for a pity party.

We rolled up to my truck a few minutes after 4:00. Since it was before the TNT tent, I let Brian roll on while I decompressed in my truck with the air conditioning on full. I was too tired to process much other than my day was done too soon.

In hindsight I think there were a few obvious factors to my time failure. My speed…I have none. Having G.I. issues most of the ride added a couple unscheduled stops. My fear of cramping caused me to overfill myself with water and electrolytes. I realized I barely ate because I was so bloated…hence the loss of speed and momentum on the fourth climb. Such a rookie mistake!

I have a bit of disappointment but no regrets. I rode 4 passes and my will continued to be strong in spite of my body. I was able to be at the finish line and cheer in every one of my teammates as they finished. I was part of an amazing team and had a successful training season. And most of all…as a team we made a difference. As a team we raised $120,000 towards finding a cure…amazing!

I don’t feel the need for redemption this time. I knew I gave everything I had in the moment. I have also known I’m not a naturally talented cyclist. So just being able to train and ride with these exceptional groups of people, for not one but two years was an honor.

I don’t know what my future will be with Death Ride. I know my journey will continue in cycling. However, I did learn something important this season…that I need to find some balance in other areas of my life. It’s time for me to enjoy a little more and suffer a little less.

Thank you to everyone who supported me though this 2012 Death Ride season!

Epic Fail

This was a morning I was dreading. The Livermore ride that would take us 107 miles and have us climbing over 11,000'! I experienced and conquered this ride last year, so I mostly knew what I was in for in the many grueling miles ahead.

Part of my apprehension with this ride, was missing the previous week's ride. It wasn't an easy decision but I needed the extra time to properly set up and pull off my fundraising event in SF. Part of our commitment on this team is to raise funds for blood cancers. So this was one of the week's I had to pull my efforts in another direction.

I was left to rely on my mid week efforts and the 102 GPC miles I have ridden 2 weeks previously. We had a 7:00 roll time and a beautiful morning that was quickly warming up. I was feeling surprisingly good the first 40 miles of the ride. Then came the big game-changer...the heat!

Once we started up the back side of Mt. Hamilton the heat quickly intensified and any bit of breeze had disappeared. Sucking in hot stale air with every agonizing pedal stoke up this unforgiving mountain! Let the self-talking begin to get me through this.

I soon found all the electrolyte tablets, water, and supplements that I had been ingesting were not enough to keep my right foot/calf from beginning to tighten and cramp. I pedaled through it, until I saw the oasis of one shade tree,I took the opportunity to chug water and take some more electrolytes. Then off I went again to tackle more of this mountain!

I continued for awhile and noticed the tightening was now moving up my entire right side. Let the cramping begin! Foot, calf, thigh, hip, side and parts I did not relize that could cramp!!!It was brutal and unrelenting, also creating the joy of nausea. I was one leg pedaling on my left to just keep moving forward. My coach was up around the corner and witnessed my grimace, gasps and struggling stride...she knew I was in trouble. I could barely breathe or speak through the contracting muscles. At this point I was down to almost no water with a couple more miles to go. She made the desicion that I was not willing to...and called for a SAG car. I quietly stood alone in the frustration and embarrassment of failure. Adding to that were the tears wellin up in my eyes. Really!It was ironic that I had enough fluid in me to create tears but not enough for my muscles/body to carry me 2 more miles up the damn hill!!!

Willie and I got loaded in the SAG car, with the plan to head the top and continue. It would give me the opportunity to calm the cramping the fuel my body back up to ride. Giving up was not in me at this point! As we drove, the roads looked like a battle zone of cyclists stopped and struggling with the heat and relentless climb.

On the drive up the hill the worst and most intense cramping began to occur...holy @#%$! It sounded like I was giving birth in the car...haha! So sorry Kurt! Once I could straighten my legs and walk again (and to just to get out of the car),I was determined I would ride again. After ample hydration at the SAG stop, I hopped back on Willie and carefully rode up to Observatory to see if my legs were willing to continue. I made it up...so I was hopeful!

With more hydration and some intense negotiation with my body...I was ready to ride again:-) The next 30 miles would be much kinder and I felt I could get through it...and did:-) Then I rolled up upon hell...aka, Sierra Rd.! This was a 4 mile sustained wall-type climb with no breaks! Did I mention that it was HOT!?! Upper 80's but off the treeless pavement it was registering over 100 (my Garmin has documentation). Holy hill this was going to hurt!

About 2 miles in, I began sensing the breach of contract with my body. It was pissed and was beginning to make it very clear! At this point I'd swallowed handfuls of electrolyte capsules; making me wonder "how many of these could I ingest before it kills me"? Just then, Rocket (one of the awesome guess coaches) had ridden up to check on me and coach me through the climb. Just short of the top my body decided enough was enough! If I wasn't going to stop...it was stopping me and successfully did!

My coach made it VERY clear...that I was done for the day! My legs were done, my body was done and most of my common sense was gone at that point. I thought I could try and walk up it, but the tremors in my legs wouldn't even let me move, balance or stand between the cramping. My vision was blotchy and it began to sink in that this was truly the end of my day...at mile 72:-(

Now my role shifted to be the cheerleader and help the rest of my team make it throught their ride. I was proud of everyone of them! They dug deep and pushed on through their discomfort to finish a very tough day.

The realization of far I violated my body, truly didn't become clear until the days that followed. The exursion and dehydration had my body refusing food, feeling overall fatigue and making my muscles continue to twitch and tremble. I continued to guzzle water and electrolytes but its taken more days than I expected to balance out from the epic discomfort of pushing myself to the wall...literally.

I now look to the next ride with more trepidation than the last. My courage will end if I let fear begin...and I cannot allow that to creep into my training! All I can do is my best each week...and keep moving forward.

Finding My Balance

Last weekend I added 102 more miles to my training bank by completing the Grizzly Peak Century! It was hot, the hills were mighty and the miles were long but I felt very accomplished when I rolled back into Campolindo High School. It was a long day on the bike. The heat added to my discomfort, which brought nausea, hot foot issues and cramping...it slowed my pace but didn't dampen my spirit to get it done.

The experience made me question and assess my training. Was it the heat? Was it riding my first century in 6 months or both that made it such a tough day? My gut is telling me that I could have put in more training time. Then again, I say that to myself every season. This time I know its accurate. I want to train more but when? My life is a complex juggling act this year.

The balance of trying to fit it all in...working full time, an unpredictable commute, fundraising, cycling, my horse...blah, blah, blah. I know my situation isn't unique. I've become a ghost to my friends and family. My horse barely sees me and my cat gets momentary attention during my comings and goings. My social interactions consists of seeing my team on Saturday's, my work mates at the office and strangers on the train. Its what I need to do for now.

The trainings are getting longer and more intense, and I'm finding I'm sleeping less instead of more. It tough to fit everything into a week. This has turned me into a bit of a zombie. I'm not mad, sad or grumpy...just exhausted and trying to stay present through each day. I'm finding tiredness becomes idiocy. At times its been very entertaining for my co-workers.

My worry is the intensity of the next 6 weeks. Work and cycle training are both gearing up at the same time! It going to take all my focus and my best time management skills to get me though it. I don't want to let my co-workers, teammates or myself down in the process. To make it all work I'm playing with a delicate house of cards right now. Fingers crossed...that my body, mind and spirit stay healthy and balanced.

I find my time on the bike is like therapy. Somehow out on the roads I can relax and everything makes sense. Every time I clip in, my friends, teammates and the beautiful Northern California scenery keep it a fun adventure. I'm letting go of any ego in regards to my cycling skills. I do "Know Why" I'm doing this...its for myself and for helping to find a cure. This difficult process has a finish line for me. I'm hoping my sacrifices and efforts have a positive outcome for those with cancer.

As I look ahead, I just need to take it one week, one day and one hill at a time. Be patient with me as I try my best to make it all balance.

Training Bank

The second half of our training season is here! The team is at the point where all our training efforts will be put the test (and in some cases, exposed) as we begin the series of triple digit distance rides. Beginning tomorrow with the Grizzly Peak Century (GPC), on the training calender as our team ride. An event that is not for the faint of heart...not as much the distance as for the climbing. Without the level of training I'm doing as part of the Death Ride Team, I wouldn't attempt this ride on my own.

GPC is a great opportunity to motivate and ride for myself. Having a role on my team as ride support makes it tough to monitor where I'm really at in my training. Most weeks are spent being there for everyone else but myself. I enjoy this event because it allows me to work on my time management and assessing where my training or lack of has me this season. This has been my most challenging season to train. I have a schedule that leaves me very little time and energy to get in the type of training that I have been used to in past seasons. In spite of doing well at the team ride thus far, I do worry that I'm doing enough to finish the season strong.

Past seasons I would hit the road during the week. This season I hit the trainer and DVDs, riding "B", my first bike...a vintage steel Bianchi that got me through my first 2 cycling seasons. I sweat and spin as many evenings as my schedule will allow. But is it enough? I also try to fit in some strength training and yoga...but most weeks that isn't happening. The balance of life to training ratio is a tricky one. In spite of my inner turmoil over my training regiment, I have been feeling strong on the road with the team. What I have in my training bank will tell the story tomorrow at GPC. For today, I hydrate, fuel up, stretch it out, rest and prepare for tomorrow's challenge!

Pescadero Soak-Fest Ride

This photos shows how my morning began...dark and damp. Mentally, I keep telling myself that it would lessen once I got down to the peninsula. It did...temporarily. It lighten enough to coax me out of my warm vehicle and into my rain gear. Part of the draw was, this was a great ride that I enjoyed last year. I also knew that we were riding to promised artichoke bread in Pescadero!



Unfortunately, the conditions diminished as we rode...sprinkles to showers to rain and at times...a down pour! Descending La Honda West felt like tacks hitting my face...that's when I could still feel my face;-) When we rolled into Pescadero we dripped into a small store for momentary reprieve from the elements. No artichoke bread;-( Had only enough time to take off my 2 layers of rain soaked gloves (not easy), hit the bathroom and layer back up for the grueling climb back to our vehicles. For me, no time left to get anymore into me other than 2 chips offered by a teammate...everyone was rolling or already gone.



As I was rolling up Alpine, I realized I didn't have a chance to fill my water bottles! I decided to ride into McDonald Park to refill, as I caught the last of my group rolling out of sight. Oh well, I'm getting used to riding alone and I knew the way back. At this point it was more important to be prepared for the endless climbs ahead.



As the rain began to increase, I distracted myself with fond memories of my past teams (in much better weather) as we experienced these climbs. To my surprise my head coach and some teammates were waiting at the bottom of the Alpine junction to make sure no one missed the turn off. It was a nice feeling to not be forgotten.

My biggest fear for the day was still ahead...descending Page Mill in these worsening conditions. As I was watching the small rivers of water streaming across the road increasing...I knew this was going to be a careful and well calculated descent.

It actually became a frightening experience since I was so wet and cold at that point that my left hand completely lost feeling and function-ability! I was terrified and alone. I lucked out and found a slight incline to stop with just my rear brake (not recommended!) For safety reason I knew I needed to get off and walk until I could get my hand warmed up and working again. This is too much of a technical descent to chance it. My first walk ever on DR training...and its on a descent...really!?! At this moment I was asking myself "am I of my league to be riding with this team"? I was not in a good place mentally...but still moving forward.



After about a 3/4 of a mile I finally felt 2 fingers (so I could brake) and get back got on Willie, to coast down the remainder of the descent. Slowest descent ever!!! I felt like a dork but I wasn't giving up and giving in...it was up to me to get myself through this ride. Once I was riding back through flats and rollers I realized I couldn't shift my big rig (left hand issues again) to gain any speed..."and get this damn thing done"! SO FRUSTRATED! I was clearly the caboose of this ride with 4 miles to go, when I heard a voice call out to me? I thought "who the hell is still out here"?!? One of my teammate was waiting at the junction to ride back with me...I was thrilled to have the company! It was exactly what I needed to diminish the pity party playing in my head.

Happily we rolled into a small and very cold group of teammates waiting to cheer us in...success! I survived the soak-fest (aka sufferfest)! My prize for this accomplishment...sick-fest!I woke up with a cold the next morning:-( It was well earned:-0

This ride now surpasses last year's Palomares buddy ride, as most miserable! High on the humbling scale for me...Mother Nature was not my friend today.

Another Death Ride season begins...

My team has already given me special parking and they hadn't even seen me ride yet! Anyway...after all the formalities of kickoff and clinics...it was time for the first official team ride! The same location and 46 mile route as least year. This was my very eventful maiden voyage ride of my new bike "Willie" last year. Thankfully we were luckier this year and were able to avoid the bike path, little girls with pink bikes and dare-devil/suicidal squirrels...phew!


When we rolled in the morning, I was thrilled to see some familiar faces from last year's Death Ride (DR) team that came out to ride with us! It was a fun blending of old and new friends. Other than a select few from last year, this team seems much faster overall. Let's just say my ride average better improve quickly! My ride group is not only quicker but fast & fearless downhill. I'm already finding they are dropping me on all the descents...and I thought I was going to need a motor installed for the climbs!



The ride began with light rain and some wind but ended up sunny and nice by the Honoree Potluck/BBQ. As the picture shows...the bike was desperately in need of some cleaning by the end of this ride.


Miller Creek Park was the perfect location to unwind after the ride and socialize with the team. It also gave us the opportunity to "Know Why" we are doing this...to cycle for a cure. We all got the opportunity to meet and learn about our team Honorees. What they shared will inspire and motivate us through this season. They are the rock stars of this team. I'm honored to know them and support them through my fundraising this season.


Ready or not training has officially begun! I will be climbing every hill I see for the next 5 months...so things can only up from here;-)

My Journey through 2011

What a difference a year makes. I had no expectations for 2011, but I did have a lot of hopes. It was a year that surpassed everyone of them! There were many surprises and luckily most of them were positive ones. Surpassing my cycling goals, new bike, new job and a new residence.


The year began with a small campaign by my past coaches and the team manager to get me on onto the Death Ride Team (a week before kickoff!). My friends were no help...they supported it (I obviously need to re-evaluate my friends)! So much so, that my bike shop offered to build me a bike for the event, and in record time. No one was going to let me out of this opportunity, so they won that battle. In hindsight...I'm glad they did.

I had never experienced that level of pain, discomfort and suffering while training for an event! At the same time, I had the most wonderful experience bonding, laughing and commiserating with my team. It was a fun group to go through that 6 month journey to the gates of hell (aka The Death Ride).



The process allowed me to achieve a fit level in cycling to also ride events I would have never considered before...the Grizzly Peak Century and the Shasta Century. I also would finally get to ride in the Napa area, by participating in the Napa Century. It was spectacular ride that I actually enjoyed after my insane training season!

This was also the year that I would experience my first bike accident. I was fortunate it was a minor incident and my bike didn't sustain any permanent damage. BTW...I don't recommend getting your body exfoliated by asphalt...road rash sucks! However, the plus side was that it redirected my focus! Taking several weeks to heal and get my bike repaired was a blessing in disguise. It gave me the time to assess my life, and mine was out of balance.

September and October, gave me the chance to secure a new position with LLS, find a new home, spend more time with my horse and compete in my first dressage show. Basically, I organized, focused and reclaimed the direction of my life again! Good or bad, I truly believe everything happens for a reason.


Just as I was settling into my new routine, Death Ride came a callin' again! Now, I know I've lost my mind, because I agreed?!? I obviously drank too much of the "Kaufman Kool-Aid" to want to do this for a second time! This time I know what to expect but training will be much tougher for me this season. Not only will I be fundraising for Team in Training but my work schedule leaves me very little time to train. I will need to learn some new methods (bike trainer in my living room) and better time management skills. I foresee sleep becoming a luxury this year;-)



I'm thankful to what was a fulfilling, fun and life altering 2011! Now onto to whatever 2012 has in store for me...I hope its all good things!

Wishing everyone a fun, safe and prosperous 2012!